Guest post by Very Smash:
I saw this as someone’s Google Talk Status Message:
Tip #42: How to secure a seat on a bus [or train] in NYC. Talk loudly on your phone about your recent trip to Mexico, while coughing and sneezing….
The next day it was edited to say:
Apparently tip #42 doesn’t actually work
I took a much-needed day off today (Thursday, 2/5), so I didn’t have to deal with the rush-hour commute. However, as I went about my day, I couldn’t help but think about transit.
Well, sort of.
I noticed how the subway is different than every other daily routine, in one very striking way. Here’s a test: What do the bank, the post office, the corner grocery, the cleaners, the barber, the DMV, an amusement park ride and the telephone number for a company’s customer service all have in common? (By the way, this is not a summary of my day, in case you were wondering.) Answer: Everyone is subject to the following rule: First come, first served. Yes, the person who has been waiting the longest gets serviced before everyone else. Anything else would simply be a violation of fairness. People who cut lines are the scum of the earth. You heard it here. You can even quote me on that.
In complete contrast is the New York City subway. When a packed train pulls into a station and a seated passenger gets up and exits, there is a single factor that determines who inherits that hard plastic throne. What is it? Does the passenger who has been standing the longest get it (in accordance with the above rule)? How about someone who, at the previous station, gave his seat to an elderly passenger? Perhaps it is based on who will remain on the train the longest? No, no, and no. It is based, purely and consistently, on luck. The lucky passenger who, at that very moment, happens to be standing in the most strategic position to the vacant seat gets it. It’s not just about proximity. You need to be close to the seat and also have a favorable angle to maneuver into it. This crucial element must not be overlooked. Sometimes you have everything going for you, but the departing passenger walks right at you, causing you to step to the side, which prevents you from pouncing. Come to think of it, there is so much luck involved with getting a seat on the train, I am convinced that if everyone aboard was by nature an unlucky person, they’d all be standing and the seats would remain empty. Even if mathematically there’s room to sit, you still need luck on your side to be able to get a seat. Yeah, that’s what it is. Luck.
That was an awesome ride. The Q46 came right away, and I was the last passenger to board the bus – and therefore the first one off. Union Turnpike was empty, so we got to the subway station in excellent time. And then (drum roll please…) I HAD MY CHOICE OF SEATS ON THE E TRAIN! YEAH!!!!! That’s what I’m TALKING about! Naturally I avoided the window seat, so I put my head back against the wall. The ride itself was fast too. Overall grade: A+
Today’s ride was not bad. I got a seat right away. There were pretty bad train delays, but I got a seat right away. The people were nasty as usual, but I got a seat right away.
You know, it’s amazing what a seat on the train can do for your mood. Overall grade: A-
That bus driver should be fired. I’m serious. After picking up passengers, she (I’m not passing judgment on women bus drivers in general; I’m merely presenting the facts as I deem relevant. I just happen to believe this piece of information is extremely relevant.) stopped the bus. We sat there for 5 whole minutes. There were no passengers running for the bus or anything. She merely stopped and we waited. Now, there’s a law in New York about talking to bus operators, so we passengers avoided speaking directly to her. One guy sitting to my right (addressing either himself, or the other passengers) exclaimed out loud, “She always does this. She’s gonna make 40 people late because she has to keep to her schedule.” Another frustrated passenger replied very loudly, “If there’s a dispatcher at the station, we could always tell him about this.” We all grumbled grumblings and moaned moanings and muttered mutterings, but to no avail.
It was insane. Fire her! Overall grade: F
That subway ride was incredible. The only thing I can think of is that another train had just come and left the station seconds before. When I got to the station, an E train arrived immediately. That happens from time to time, but the following never does. I got a seat. Not only did I have a seat, I had an entire row of seats to myself. Of course, I took the end seat, where I leaned my head back against the wall. The “seats” are blue-gray and flat, all the way across. I was able to actually see the color of the seats while sitting down. This was during rush hour, people, rush hour! There were even seats after Roosevelt Avenue. I couldn’t believe it.
I’m still in shock. Overall grade: A+
I had the following conversation with my mother’s cousin on the bus this morning: Me: So, you think I’ll get a seat on the E train today? Him: Of course, you’ll get 2 seats today. Me: Are you sure? This is the E train! Him: Don’t worry, it will be empty. Well, folks, he was wrong. I had to stand for half the ride. I hate the E train. Overall grade: D
So, what should I write about today? Should I discuss my commute and mention that I got a seat on the E train for the second consecutive morning? Should I perhaps mention that for one more day I am the Interim Interim Director of Compensation & Benefits? (Question: Dwight would be proud.) Or should I talk about how that blizzard is out of control so far, and it’s a good thing weathermen make all that money? Hmm. Not sure. OK, it’s finally snowing.
That angel from last week is still singing. Today’s wait for the bus was a little annoying. Before the first Q46 arrived, four express buses came and went. But once I got to the subway, I only had to stand for one stop. That’s when I heard the music from heaven. That seat opened up, and bam! - I pounced on it like a vulture on flesh. Overall grade: A-
When I arrived at the subway station this morning, I saw an E train pulling away. Oh great, I thought, this sure is going to be one fantastic commute (sarcastic). But 2 minutes later another train came. And - [insert cheerful music, with angelic voices singing in the background] - the train wasn’t full. YES, FOLKS, I GOT A SEAT!!! What a miracle! Proof that G-d exists in the world! Overall grade: A
Today’s commute was okay. I got a seat on the bus - which is nice but not critical, since the bus ride is less than 5 minutes. The train, which is critical, was of course Standing Room Only. I did manage to stand by the door, so at least for that. Nothing much to report today, other than the commute could have been better and could have been worse. In a word: plain. Alternatively: pareve, vanilla. Overall grade: B