Grief Griefing!

I hate homeless people. Uch. They take up space, they smell up that space - as well as all the surrounding space - and are unpleasant debris. The other day on the subway, I encountered one such thing. It was very noticeable: no one was standing near it, despite the fact that the train was packed. My first thought was, “Oh, that’s gross! This is a brand new E train, and now they’re going to have to get a new one already.” Then I turned my attention to the pile itself. There was a mound of dirty clothes, underneath which resembled the shape of a human, with two garbage bags next to it. It was seated but sprawled over at an impossible position, managing to take up three seats. I realized why people were avoiding that part of the train. There were 2 reasons: (1) The smell. (2) It’s rare, but occasionally you can get lucky on the train. If a seated passenger gets off before your exit, you have a mathematical chance at securing that seat. We all knew that homeless guy wasn’t leaving; if he disembarked from the train, he’d be homesick. So nobody in their right mind wanted to stand near a filthy section of 3 seats that was guaranteed to remain taken.

The ride home earlier today was weird. I guess that’s the best way to describe it. Well, it started out innocently enough. The E came right away, it was one of the new trains, and I got a seat. It was a wonderful surprise; the train portion of the commute was actually quite tolerable. But then when I boarded the Q46, the most bizarre thing took place. After the bus filled up with passengers, nothing happened. Nothing at all. We were just waiting there, standing, holding onto the handlebars, expecting to depart. But we didn’t. Finally, I noticed a commotion and saw several people leaving the bus. They seemed to be muttering something about a mechanical problem. Seeing that we weren’t going anywhere, I too exited. That’s when I noticed a peculiar void: the bus driver was nowhere to be seen. Indeed, the driver who was there when we boarded had disappeared. He simply got off the bus without making any announcements. The next problem was the fact that I had already used up my free transfer when I swiped my metrocard getting onto the bus, and there was no one to give me a transfer card. So when getting onto the next bus, I explained the situation to that driver, who appeared to be a long-time bus driver (judging from his apparent advanced age). He was very nice and politely replied “Sure,” but he also was surprised at the story. He said, “Really? Wow. Huh.” This old timer had thought he’d seen it all before. Ha! Until you ride with me, there will always be something you’ve never witnessed.

That was one of the worst commuting experiences of recent memory. The ride back home earlier tonight was an absolute disaster. While waiting for the E train on the 34th Street platform, there was the usual rush-hour infestation of people piling into the station. The problem is that the E wasn’t coming. People kept coming, like a freaking swarm of insects at twilight, but there was no relief. There wasn’t even an E train within sight. Then they announced over the loudspeaker that there was a stalled E, and trains were “running at slower speeds.” The ever-growing crowd became unbearable. I switched to the A (express) track, then back to the local. Eventually I got onto a packed C train (just when I was about to head back for the A) and took it one stop to 42nd Street. From there I could be seen darting past others, weaving and slicing my way through the crowd, through the underpass to Times Square, where I boarded a 7 express train. That train, too, had delays, but at least those were tolerable. Then when we arrived in Flushing and I walked to the Q44 bus stop, I saw that I wasn’t the only one with that brilliant idea. There were far too many people there, and I had to wait for the next bus. If it was good weather, this whole ordeal would have been horrible. But it was raining; the weather [stunk]. I’m still upset about it now, many hours after the nightmare ended. Overall grade: F

Today, for the second time ever, I got to ride aboard one of the brand new trains on the E line. Allow to me begin with this: If you fly in the first class section of an airplane but don’t have a seat, all the extravagance in the world won’t do too much for you. The same is true with these new cars. Let’s not kid ourselves, people, it’s still the E train. During rush hour, it’s overcrowded. You stand. That’s the story. That being said, it is an improvement nonetheless. The new trains are a lot nicer and sleeker than that old decrepit junk. What can be better than hearing a robotic voice announce the next stop? Seriously, though, the digital displays and bright lights do somehow make the commute more tolerable. I was careful not to write “tolerable” (because it isn’t); it’s just more tolerable.

For all those unfamiliar with Zevie’s Law (which, by the way, kicks Murphy’s Law), I’ll explain it. Reality, what actually exists in the world (“metzius” in Yeshivish), depends on what you do.

Here’s a classic example: It’s overcast, and you’re going to spend the day outdoors. If you take an umbrella with you, it will clear up, the sun will shine, and it will turn out to be a glorious day. Everyone else will, of course, have sunglasses instead of umbrellas. You will look – and feel – like a total fool. But if you leave the umbrella at home, it will storm. Everyone else, of course, will be prepared for the rain; you will be the only idiot. For another example, please refer to the post of 12/29/08.

Today, Zevie’s Law manifested itself on the subway. After arriving at 42^nd Street (just 1 stop from where I get off), the train doors remained open for several minutes. Then they announced over the loudspeaker that there was some kind of “equipment trouble” with the train. Come on, I thought, it was fine until now…just one more stop – give me one more lousy stop and then break down all you want! After 3 minutes or so, an A train (which also goes to 34^th Street) pulled into the station. I didn’t care that it was jam-packed, nor that the trek from the A platform is longer and more difficult (involving an additional 2 staircases) than from the E&C platform. I just wanted to get there already. Much of my E train emptied onto the already full A, making the overcrowding unbearable. Ha, I thought, those losers still on the E train will be waiting for a long time. Of course, at that very moment the doors of the E closed and the train departed. The A, naturally, didn’t leave until a bit later. My point is this: If I hadn’t switched trains, the E would still be waiting there, disabled, broken. It was only able to keep going because I got off the train.

And the worst part is that there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

I suspect that every day, many of you are praying for me to have a terrible commute. After all, the worse the travel experience, the more biting – and therefore better – the post. Hmm. This whole blog thing might be inspiring fervent prayer by the masses, which may actually be ruining my daily commute. Oh well. I am sorry to report that today’s ride wasn’t extra horrible; it was just the regular what-I-have-come-to-expect horrible. I know, it’s not that funny, but it’s the truth. Don’t worry, I did have to stand and the train was extremely crowded, so I didn’t enjoy myself by any stretch of the imagination. But it was pretty much what I expected. Overall grade: C-

The E train today was a disaster. It was ridiculously crowded and awfully hot, and I didn’t even get a pole to hold onto, but that wasn’t the main problem. We were delayed terribly. The train repeatedly, and for painfully long stretches, stopped between stations. So, there we were – underground, somewhere beneath Queens Boulevard – stuck, with nowhere to go. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I say a facial expression is worth a thousand pictures. During those difficult times, when there seemed to be no hope at all, I kept my sanity by looking around at the faces of all those around me. If I wouldn’t have been in that sorrowful place, I might have found it to be outright funny. Everyone just looked so sad. Let me tell you, folks, there was no joy on that train. Zero. The Angel of Gladness himself wouldn’t have been able to spread good cheer. In fact, it’s possible that it would have affected him too. We were trapped in the dreaded Land Where the Sun Never Shines. We all knew we’d be very late, and with no cell phone reception we were cut off from the outside world. There was nothing any of us could do about it. The MTA had us firmly within their grasp. I have never before felt so violated. Overall grade: F

On the E train this morning, there was a homeless woman with 2 black garbage bags, which presumably contained all her possessions. After we pulled into the 71^st Ave. station and waited for a considerable amount of time, a cop boarded the train and approached this woman. Then the following exchange took place. Cop: Can I speak with you for a minute on the platform? Homeless Woman: Sad look. Cop: You’re not in trouble; I just want to ask you something. Homeless Woman: Sad look. Cop: Let me help you with your things. As soon as she exited the train, the doors closed and we were on our way. Thanks, officer, for improving the neighborhood and taking out the trash! Give that cop an A.

Yesterday evening, when I arrived at the subway station, I saw an E train there. As I deftly retrieved my metrocard from my wallet while on the run, I charged through the turnstile hoping to get onto that train. But just before I reached it, the doors suddenly closed. I was dismayed. I stood there, on the other side of the doors, mouthing “Come on!” repeatedly. Then the doors opened, and I burst onto the train. A few passengers smiled. It must have been amusing to see.

That was an awesome ride. The Q46 came right away, and I was the last passenger to board the bus – and therefore the first one off. Union Turnpike was empty, so we got to the subway station in excellent time. And then (drum roll please…) I HAD MY CHOICE OF SEATS ON THE E TRAIN! YEAH!!!!! That’s what I’m TALKING about! Naturally I avoided the window seat, so I put my head back against the wall. The ride itself was fast too. Overall grade: A+