Guest post by Very Smash:
I saw this as someone’s Google Talk Status Message:
Tip #42: How to secure a seat on a bus [or train] in NYC. Talk loudly on your phone about your recent trip to Mexico, while coughing and sneezing….
The next day it was edited to say:
Apparently tip #42 doesn’t actually work
The ride home earlier today was weird. I guess that’s the best way to describe it. Well, it started out innocently enough. The E came right away, it was one of the new trains, and I got a seat. It was a wonderful surprise; the train portion of the commute was actually quite tolerable. But then when I boarded the Q46, the most bizarre thing took place. After the bus filled up with passengers, nothing happened. Nothing at all. We were just waiting there, standing, holding onto the handlebars, expecting to depart. But we didn’t. Finally, I noticed a commotion and saw several people leaving the bus. They seemed to be muttering something about a mechanical problem. Seeing that we weren’t going anywhere, I too exited. That’s when I noticed a peculiar void: the bus driver was nowhere to be seen. Indeed, the driver who was there when we boarded had disappeared. He simply got off the bus without making any announcements. The next problem was the fact that I had already used up my free transfer when I swiped my metrocard getting onto the bus, and there was no one to give me a transfer card. So when getting onto the next bus, I explained the situation to that driver, who appeared to be a long-time bus driver (judging from his apparent advanced age). He was very nice and politely replied “Sure,” but he also was surprised at the story. He said, “Really? Wow. Huh.” This old timer had thought he’d seen it all before. Ha! Until you ride with me, there will always be something you’ve never witnessed.
Some people are incapable of securing employment on the basis of their credentials. However, if they reside in the United States and happen to be from one of the so-called “protected classes,” they need not worry. They’ll land the position while someone more qualified will not. This, my friends, is equality in modern-day America. We are so lucky to live in such a charitable land, where wonderful initiatives such as reverse discrimination prevail over silly, insignificant things like “fairness” and “justness.” This morning on the Q46, I witnessed this first-hand. You know that white line in the front of the bus? I was standing with my foot on it, so the front of my right shoe was about an inch on the other side of the line. The driver – a black woman – turned to me, and said (with some serious attitude), “You gotta get behind that line.” Of course, I complied immediately without saying a word. She seemed noticeably disappointed. She was in the mood for a confrontation, and she tried her utmost to instigate. To her dismay, the white guy didn’t cooperate. Technically, it is against the rule to stand over the white line. And, yes, I suppose that technically I did just that. After all, my toes are indeed part of my feet. But come on already! People like this shouldn’t have jobs. Let them go back to the jungle and swing from trees or something. Ordinary human beings should not have to suffer just because their great-great grandparents picked cotton for some rich white dude in Alabama.
Last night, I decided to take the LIRR back to Queens. I hardly ever take the LIRR because it’s expensive: it costs a whopping six dollars each way during rush hour, as opposed to only 2 buck for the subway-bus combo. I have heard that if you ride in the front car on a weeknight during rush hour and exit at Kew Gardens, the ticket collectors rarely come around by then; you can save your ticket for future use. In fact, this happened to me once before. I only took the LIRR yesterday in hopes of getting to ride for free. I said to myself, “I don’t care if I have to stand, I don’t care if there are lots of undesirables on board, I don’t care if it’s overcrowded…I just don’t want to pay.” After all, if I’m going to pay, I might as well go cheap.
For the record, the LIRR is, without a doubt, nicer than the E train, but it’s terribly overrated. Sure, the ride is quicker and smoother, and it’s nice to actually see some fellow white people. But let’s be honest, people, it’s not as convenient. You actually need to know the train schedule ahead of time and plan accordingly. The subway trains, on the other hand, come all the time. Also, the subway lines are fed by numerous local buses, and they’re free with a transfer. To get from Kew Gardens to KGH you need to either hock around with a couple of buses, or drive and try to find parking. (Of course, you can do what I did and get a ride with someone else.)
Back to yesterday’s ride. The train was standing room only, so I didn’t get a seat. No big deal, right? WRONG! The guy came around. I heard that clicker from the distance, and it was an awful feeling, knowing that he was about to take my ticket away forever. The torture was slow and oh, so painful. He advanced through the car row by row, passenger by passenger, helpless victim by helpless victim. There was absolutely nothing I could do. And then, my beautiful, precious little ticket was seized from my own hand. I think that devil even grinned as he snatched it.
Boy, I need to get in shape. Today I spotted the Q46 from a couple of blocks away, and I made a run for it. I must say that I moved very swiftly – I even caught the bus from behind – but “ouch.” Very ouch. It’s a good thing that I got a seat on the bus, because for the next four minutes I was gasping for air. I’m not sure which was worse: the pain associated with not being able to breathe, or the realization that I am severely out of shape. Both are certainly true.
On the Q46 this morning, after several unsuccessful metrocard swipes, the guy right before me proceeded to walk toward the back of the bus. Then the following exchange took place: Driver: Where do you think you’re going? Rider: I’m taking the subway anyway, so I’ll pay there. Driver: If you ask me and I say yes, that’s one thing – but don’t think you can just do that. Rider: Can I go? Driver: Yes. Kudos to that bus driver! You tell that jerk! (Sigh…New Yorkers…)
That was an awesome ride. The Q46 came right away, and I was the last passenger to board the bus – and therefore the first one off. Union Turnpike was empty, so we got to the subway station in excellent time. And then (drum roll please…) I HAD MY CHOICE OF SEATS ON THE E TRAIN! YEAH!!!!! That’s what I’m TALKING about! Naturally I avoided the window seat, so I put my head back against the wall. The ride itself was fast too. Overall grade: A+
That bus driver should be fired. I’m serious. After picking up passengers, she (I’m not passing judgment on women bus drivers in general; I’m merely presenting the facts as I deem relevant. I just happen to believe this piece of information is extremely relevant.) stopped the bus. We sat there for 5 whole minutes. There were no passengers running for the bus or anything. She merely stopped and we waited. Now, there’s a law in New York about talking to bus operators, so we passengers avoided speaking directly to her. One guy sitting to my right (addressing either himself, or the other passengers) exclaimed out loud, “She always does this. She’s gonna make 40 people late because she has to keep to her schedule.” Another frustrated passenger replied very loudly, “If there’s a dispatcher at the station, we could always tell him about this.” We all grumbled grumblings and moaned moanings and muttered mutterings, but to no avail.
It was insane. Fire her! Overall grade: F
That subway ride was incredible. The only thing I can think of is that another train had just come and left the station seconds before. When I got to the station, an E train arrived immediately. That happens from time to time, but the following never does. I got a seat. Not only did I have a seat, I had an entire row of seats to myself. Of course, I took the end seat, where I leaned my head back against the wall. The “seats” are blue-gray and flat, all the way across. I was able to actually see the color of the seats while sitting down. This was during rush hour, people, rush hour! There were even seats after Roosevelt Avenue. I couldn’t believe it.
I’m still in shock. Overall grade: A+
That angel from last week is still singing. Today’s wait for the bus was a little annoying. Before the first Q46 arrived, four express buses came and went. But once I got to the subway, I only had to stand for one stop. That’s when I heard the music from heaven. That seat opened up, and bam! - I pounced on it like a vulture on flesh. Overall grade: A-
Today’s commute was okay. I got a seat on the bus - which is nice but not critical, since the bus ride is less than 5 minutes. The train, which is critical, was of course Standing Room Only. I did manage to stand by the door, so at least for that. Nothing much to report today, other than the commute could have been better and could have been worse. In a word: plain. Alternatively: pareve, vanilla. Overall grade: B