Guest post by Very Smash:
I saw this as someone’s Google Talk Status Message:
Tip #42: How to secure a seat on a bus [or train] in NYC. Talk loudly on your phone about your recent trip to Mexico, while coughing and sneezing….
The next day it was edited to say:
Apparently tip #42 doesn’t actually work
I hate homeless people. Uch. They take up space, they smell up that space - as well as all the surrounding space - and are unpleasant debris. The other day on the subway, I encountered one such thing. It was very noticeable: no one was standing near it, despite the fact that the train was packed. My first thought was, “Oh, that’s gross! This is a brand new E train, and now they’re going to have to get a new one already.” Then I turned my attention to the pile itself. There was a mound of dirty clothes, underneath which resembled the shape of a human, with two garbage bags next to it. It was seated but sprawled over at an impossible position, managing to take up three seats. I realized why people were avoiding that part of the train. There were 2 reasons: (1) The smell. (2) It’s rare, but occasionally you can get lucky on the train. If a seated passenger gets off before your exit, you have a mathematical chance at securing that seat. We all knew that homeless guy wasn’t leaving; if he disembarked from the train, he’d be homesick. So nobody in their right mind wanted to stand near a filthy section of 3 seats that was guaranteed to remain taken.
That was one of the worst commuting experiences of recent memory. The ride back home earlier tonight was an absolute disaster. While waiting for the E train on the 34th Street platform, there was the usual rush-hour infestation of people piling into the station. The problem is that the E wasn’t coming. People kept coming, like a freaking swarm of insects at twilight, but there was no relief. There wasn’t even an E train within sight. Then they announced over the loudspeaker that there was a stalled E, and trains were “running at slower speeds.” The ever-growing crowd became unbearable. I switched to the A (express) track, then back to the local. Eventually I got onto a packed C train (just when I was about to head back for the A) and took it one stop to 42nd Street. From there I could be seen darting past others, weaving and slicing my way through the crowd, through the underpass to Times Square, where I boarded a 7 express train. That train, too, had delays, but at least those were tolerable. Then when we arrived in Flushing and I walked to the Q44 bus stop, I saw that I wasn’t the only one with that brilliant idea. There were far too many people there, and I had to wait for the next bus. If it was good weather, this whole ordeal would have been horrible. But it was raining; the weather [stunk]. I’m still upset about it now, many hours after the nightmare ended. Overall grade: F
Okay, so I bet you’re intrigued by this post’s title. What does the feminist movement have to do with mass transit? Allow me to explain. In America, and much of the Western world, women want to be like men. They want the same jobs as men, they want to play the same professional sports as men, and they want - more than anything - to be viewed as equals. No more of this around-the-house cleaner/cook/all-around-maid. No, sir. The politically correct way of referring to soldiers is “Our brave men and women in uniform.” How many women are there in the military? And how many are in combat positions? Still, it’s “men and women.” Such familiar words as “policeman” and “fireman” are now labeled as misogynistic. For the record, it’s “police officer” and “firefighter.” The last one in particular makes me chuckle. Come on already, does anyone actually believe that women are just as qualified as men to put out fires? Who’d you want to save you from a burning building and carry you to safety - a 6′4″ gorilla of a man, or an idealistic woman? It’s an outrage.
Everything you just read is mysteriously absent on the subway. Somehow, when it comes to getting a seat on the train, the mindset is that a man is supposed to give up his hard-earned seat for a woman. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do. If a man sits down and there’s a woman who’s standing, she will give him the look of death. She’ll gaze at him with piercing eyes as if to say, “How dare you not give your seat to me!” And when a man is the closest one to a seat that opens up, there’s usually a woman who darts over from afar to steal it from him. There’s a certain sense of entitlement. As a woman, she deserves to sit. Let the man stand. My question is this: What happened to equality? Aren’t women and men the same in every area? Shouldn’t women be treated exactly like men, in all circumstances? It seems that the answer is no. Feminists promote equality only when it benefits them. However, if they can gain by being different, then they’ll be 1950’s-era housewives.
I took a much-needed day off today (Thursday, 2/5), so I didn’t have to deal with the rush-hour commute. However, as I went about my day, I couldn’t help but think about transit.
Well, sort of.
I noticed how the subway is different than every other daily routine, in one very striking way. Here’s a test: What do the bank, the post office, the corner grocery, the cleaners, the barber, the DMV, an amusement park ride and the telephone number for a company’s customer service all have in common? (By the way, this is not a summary of my day, in case you were wondering.) Answer: Everyone is subject to the following rule: First come, first served. Yes, the person who has been waiting the longest gets serviced before everyone else. Anything else would simply be a violation of fairness. People who cut lines are the scum of the earth. You heard it here. You can even quote me on that.
In complete contrast is the New York City subway. When a packed train pulls into a station and a seated passenger gets up and exits, there is a single factor that determines who inherits that hard plastic throne. What is it? Does the passenger who has been standing the longest get it (in accordance with the above rule)? How about someone who, at the previous station, gave his seat to an elderly passenger? Perhaps it is based on who will remain on the train the longest? No, no, and no. It is based, purely and consistently, on luck. The lucky passenger who, at that very moment, happens to be standing in the most strategic position to the vacant seat gets it. It’s not just about proximity. You need to be close to the seat and also have a favorable angle to maneuver into it. This crucial element must not be overlooked. Sometimes you have everything going for you, but the departing passenger walks right at you, causing you to step to the side, which prevents you from pouncing. Come to think of it, there is so much luck involved with getting a seat on the train, I am convinced that if everyone aboard was by nature an unlucky person, they’d all be standing and the seats would remain empty. Even if mathematically there’s room to sit, you still need luck on your side to be able to get a seat. Yeah, that’s what it is. Luck.
Today I did something that I have witnessed on numerous occasions, but never had actually done myself. Since today has been designated by the U.S. government (due to fear of rioting in communities of a certain color) as a national holiday, mass transit was running on a holiday schedule. As a result, there were far fewer buses running this morning than usual. After waiting for what seemed forever, a Q46 finally arrived. It was, of course, incredibly packed. In fact, the driver didn’t open the front door, because there was no room for any more passengers. He did, however, have to open the rear door to let off the 1 or 2 passengers who were exiting. Then I pounced. I, followed by 6 other anxious New Yorkers, barged my way onto the bus through the open back door. It’s a good thing there wasn’t any traffic, which enabled us to get to the subway station quickly, because it was difficult to breathe.
Today, for the second time ever, I got to ride aboard one of the brand new trains on the E line. Allow to me begin with this: If you fly in the first class section of an airplane but don’t have a seat, all the extravagance in the world won’t do too much for you. The same is true with these new cars. Let’s not kid ourselves, people, it’s still the E train. During rush hour, it’s overcrowded. You stand. That’s the story. That being said, it is an improvement nonetheless. The new trains are a lot nicer and sleeker than that old decrepit junk. What can be better than hearing a robotic voice announce the next stop? Seriously, though, the digital displays and bright lights do somehow make the commute more tolerable. I was careful not to write “tolerable” (because it isn’t); it’s just more tolerable.
For all those unfamiliar with Zevie’s Law (which, by the way, kicks Murphy’s Law), I’ll explain it. Reality, what actually exists in the world (“metzius” in Yeshivish), depends on what you do.
Here’s a classic example: It’s overcast, and you’re going to spend the day outdoors. If you take an umbrella with you, it will clear up, the sun will shine, and it will turn out to be a glorious day. Everyone else will, of course, have sunglasses instead of umbrellas. You will look – and feel – like a total fool. But if you leave the umbrella at home, it will storm. Everyone else, of course, will be prepared for the rain; you will be the only idiot. For another example, please refer to the post of 12/29/08.
Today, Zevie’s Law manifested itself on the subway. After arriving at 42nd Street (just 1 stop from where I get off), the train doors remained open for several minutes. Then they announced over the loudspeaker that there was some kind of “equipment trouble” with the train. Come on, I thought, it was fine until now…just one more stop – give me one more lousy stop and then break down all you want! After 3 minutes or so, an A train (which also goes to 34th Street) pulled into the station. I didn’t care that it was jam-packed, nor that the trek from the A platform is longer and more difficult (involving an additional 2 staircases) than from the E&C platform. I just wanted to get there already. Much of my E train emptied onto the already full A, making the overcrowding unbearable. Ha, I thought, those losers still on the E train will be waiting for a long time. Of course, at that very moment the doors of the E closed and the train departed. The A, naturally, didn’t leave until a bit later. My point is this: If I hadn’t switched trains, the E would still be waiting there, disabled, broken. It was only able to keep going because I got off the train.
And the worst part is that there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
I suspect that every day, many of you are praying for me to have a terrible commute. After all, the worse the travel experience, the more biting – and therefore better – the post. Hmm. This whole blog thing might be inspiring fervent prayer by the masses, which may actually be ruining my daily commute. Oh well. I am sorry to report that today’s ride wasn’t extra horrible; it was just the regular what-I-have-come-to-expect horrible. I know, it’s not that funny, but it’s the truth. Don’t worry, I did have to stand and the train was extremely crowded, so I didn’t enjoy myself by any stretch of the imagination. But it was pretty much what I expected. Overall grade: C-
The E train today was a disaster. It was ridiculously crowded and awfully hot, and I didn’t even get a pole to hold onto, but that wasn’t the main problem. We were delayed terribly. The train repeatedly, and for painfully long stretches, stopped between stations. So, there we were – underground, somewhere beneath Queens Boulevard – stuck, with nowhere to go. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I say a facial expression is worth a thousand pictures. During those difficult times, when there seemed to be no hope at all, I kept my sanity by looking around at the faces of all those around me. If I wouldn’t have been in that sorrowful place, I might have found it to be outright funny. Everyone just looked so sad. Let me tell you, folks, there was no joy on that train. Zero. The Angel of Gladness himself wouldn’t have been able to spread good cheer. In fact, it’s possible that it would have affected him too. We were trapped in the dreaded Land Where the Sun Never Shines. We all knew we’d be very late, and with no cell phone reception we were cut off from the outside world. There was nothing any of us could do about it. The MTA had us firmly within their grasp. I have never before felt so violated. Overall grade: F