Guest post by Very Smash:
I saw this as someone’s Google Talk Status Message:
Tip #42: How to secure a seat on a bus [or train] in NYC. Talk loudly on your phone about your recent trip to Mexico, while coughing and sneezing….
The next day it was edited to say:
Apparently tip #42 doesn’t actually work
I hate homeless people. Uch. They take up space, they smell up that space - as well as all the surrounding space - and are unpleasant debris. The other day on the subway, I encountered one such thing. It was very noticeable: no one was standing near it, despite the fact that the train was packed. My first thought was, “Oh, that’s gross! This is a brand new E train, and now they’re going to have to get a new one already.” Then I turned my attention to the pile itself. There was a mound of dirty clothes, underneath which resembled the shape of a human, with two garbage bags next to it. It was seated but sprawled over at an impossible position, managing to take up three seats. I realized why people were avoiding that part of the train. There were 2 reasons: (1) The smell. (2) It’s rare, but occasionally you can get lucky on the train. If a seated passenger gets off before your exit, you have a mathematical chance at securing that seat. We all knew that homeless guy wasn’t leaving; if he disembarked from the train, he’d be homesick. So nobody in their right mind wanted to stand near a filthy section of 3 seats that was guaranteed to remain taken.
Okay, so I bet you’re intrigued by this post’s title. What does the feminist movement have to do with mass transit? Allow me to explain. In America, and much of the Western world, women want to be like men. They want the same jobs as men, they want to play the same professional sports as men, and they want - more than anything - to be viewed as equals. No more of this around-the-house cleaner/cook/all-around-maid. No, sir. The politically correct way of referring to soldiers is “Our brave men and women in uniform.” How many women are there in the military? And how many are in combat positions? Still, it’s “men and women.” Such familiar words as “policeman” and “fireman” are now labeled as misogynistic. For the record, it’s “police officer” and “firefighter.” The last one in particular makes me chuckle. Come on already, does anyone actually believe that women are just as qualified as men to put out fires? Who’d you want to save you from a burning building and carry you to safety - a 6′4″ gorilla of a man, or an idealistic woman? It’s an outrage.
Everything you just read is mysteriously absent on the subway. Somehow, when it comes to getting a seat on the train, the mindset is that a man is supposed to give up his hard-earned seat for a woman. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do. If a man sits down and there’s a woman who’s standing, she will give him the look of death. She’ll gaze at him with piercing eyes as if to say, “How dare you not give your seat to me!” And when a man is the closest one to a seat that opens up, there’s usually a woman who darts over from afar to steal it from him. There’s a certain sense of entitlement. As a woman, she deserves to sit. Let the man stand. My question is this: What happened to equality? Aren’t women and men the same in every area? Shouldn’t women be treated exactly like men, in all circumstances? It seems that the answer is no. Feminists promote equality only when it benefits them. However, if they can gain by being different, then they’ll be 1950’s-era housewives.
I took a much-needed day off today (Thursday, 2/5), so I didn’t have to deal with the rush-hour commute. However, as I went about my day, I couldn’t help but think about transit.
Well, sort of.
I noticed how the subway is different than every other daily routine, in one very striking way. Here’s a test: What do the bank, the post office, the corner grocery, the cleaners, the barber, the DMV, an amusement park ride and the telephone number for a company’s customer service all have in common? (By the way, this is not a summary of my day, in case you were wondering.) Answer: Everyone is subject to the following rule: First come, first served. Yes, the person who has been waiting the longest gets serviced before everyone else. Anything else would simply be a violation of fairness. People who cut lines are the scum of the earth. You heard it here. You can even quote me on that.
In complete contrast is the New York City subway. When a packed train pulls into a station and a seated passenger gets up and exits, there is a single factor that determines who inherits that hard plastic throne. What is it? Does the passenger who has been standing the longest get it (in accordance with the above rule)? How about someone who, at the previous station, gave his seat to an elderly passenger? Perhaps it is based on who will remain on the train the longest? No, no, and no. It is based, purely and consistently, on luck. The lucky passenger who, at that very moment, happens to be standing in the most strategic position to the vacant seat gets it. It’s not just about proximity. You need to be close to the seat and also have a favorable angle to maneuver into it. This crucial element must not be overlooked. Sometimes you have everything going for you, but the departing passenger walks right at you, causing you to step to the side, which prevents you from pouncing. Come to think of it, there is so much luck involved with getting a seat on the train, I am convinced that if everyone aboard was by nature an unlucky person, they’d all be standing and the seats would remain empty. Even if mathematically there’s room to sit, you still need luck on your side to be able to get a seat. Yeah, that’s what it is. Luck.
Today, for the second time ever, I got to ride aboard one of the brand new trains on the E line. Allow to me begin with this: If you fly in the first class section of an airplane but don’t have a seat, all the extravagance in the world won’t do too much for you. The same is true with these new cars. Let’s not kid ourselves, people, it’s still the E train. During rush hour, it’s overcrowded. You stand. That’s the story. That being said, it is an improvement nonetheless. The new trains are a lot nicer and sleeker than that old decrepit junk. What can be better than hearing a robotic voice announce the next stop? Seriously, though, the digital displays and bright lights do somehow make the commute more tolerable. I was careful not to write “tolerable” (because it isn’t); it’s just more tolerable.
I suspect that every day, many of you are praying for me to have a terrible commute. After all, the worse the travel experience, the more biting – and therefore better – the post. Hmm. This whole blog thing might be inspiring fervent prayer by the masses, which may actually be ruining my daily commute. Oh well. I am sorry to report that today’s ride wasn’t extra horrible; it was just the regular what-I-have-come-to-expect horrible. I know, it’s not that funny, but it’s the truth. Don’t worry, I did have to stand and the train was extremely crowded, so I didn’t enjoy myself by any stretch of the imagination. But it was pretty much what I expected. Overall grade: C-
The E train today was a disaster. It was ridiculously crowded and awfully hot, and I didn’t even get a pole to hold onto, but that wasn’t the main problem. We were delayed terribly. The train repeatedly, and for painfully long stretches, stopped between stations. So, there we were – underground, somewhere beneath Queens Boulevard – stuck, with nowhere to go. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I say a facial expression is worth a thousand pictures. During those difficult times, when there seemed to be no hope at all, I kept my sanity by looking around at the faces of all those around me. If I wouldn’t have been in that sorrowful place, I might have found it to be outright funny. Everyone just looked so sad. Let me tell you, folks, there was no joy on that train. Zero. The Angel of Gladness himself wouldn’t have been able to spread good cheer. In fact, it’s possible that it would have affected him too. We were trapped in the dreaded Land Where the Sun Never Shines. We all knew we’d be very late, and with no cell phone reception we were cut off from the outside world. There was nothing any of us could do about it. The MTA had us firmly within their grasp. I have never before felt so violated. Overall grade: F
That was an awesome ride. The Q46 came right away, and I was the last passenger to board the bus – and therefore the first one off. Union Turnpike was empty, so we got to the subway station in excellent time. And then (drum roll please…) I HAD MY CHOICE OF SEATS ON THE E TRAIN! YEAH!!!!! That’s what I’m TALKING about! Naturally I avoided the window seat, so I put my head back against the wall. The ride itself was fast too. Overall grade: A+
Today’s ride was not bad. I got a seat right away. There were pretty bad train delays, but I got a seat right away. The people were nasty as usual, but I got a seat right away.
You know, it’s amazing what a seat on the train can do for your mood. Overall grade: A-
That bus driver should be fired. I’m serious. After picking up passengers, she (I’m not passing judgment on women bus drivers in general; I’m merely presenting the facts as I deem relevant. I just happen to believe this piece of information is extremely relevant.) stopped the bus. We sat there for 5 whole minutes. There were no passengers running for the bus or anything. She merely stopped and we waited. Now, there’s a law in New York about talking to bus operators, so we passengers avoided speaking directly to her. One guy sitting to my right (addressing either himself, or the other passengers) exclaimed out loud, “She always does this. She’s gonna make 40 people late because she has to keep to her schedule.” Another frustrated passenger replied very loudly, “If there’s a dispatcher at the station, we could always tell him about this.” We all grumbled grumblings and moaned moanings and muttered mutterings, but to no avail.
It was insane. Fire her! Overall grade: F
That subway ride was incredible. The only thing I can think of is that another train had just come and left the station seconds before. When I got to the station, an E train arrived immediately. That happens from time to time, but the following never does. I got a seat. Not only did I have a seat, I had an entire row of seats to myself. Of course, I took the end seat, where I leaned my head back against the wall. The “seats” are blue-gray and flat, all the way across. I was able to actually see the color of the seats while sitting down. This was during rush hour, people, rush hour! There were even seats after Roosevelt Avenue. I couldn’t believe it.
I’m still in shock. Overall grade: A+